Book recommendation: A Severe Mercy

I find that, often, my favorite books are the unexpected ones. I am near to finishing a beautiful memoir by Sheldon Vanauken. It is an incredible story of a journey of love, faith, adventure, and tragedy. I have owned this book for a while, and it honestly took a long time for me to really get into reading it. I actually began reading this book over a year ago on the way to Lima, Peru. It was shelved after that trip, until recently. Though it took a little while for me to get into the story, it has been an incredible journey to read about this couple's story unfolding. A Severe Mercy is about the lives of Van and Davy, a couple who find love in each other, and ultimately journey to the foot of the cross by the power of the pursuit of Jesus and powerful community, which included their friend C.S. Lewis. What I love so much about this book is that it's simply about life. It's about how two imperfect people collide with the Living God, and how they love each other and others in the process.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes from Vanauken's memoir.

“It is not possible to be 'incidentally a Christian.' The fact of Christianity must be overwhelmingly first or nothing. This suggests a reason for the dislike of Christians by nominal or non-Christians: their lives contain no overwhelming first but many balances."

"No: a glimpse is not a vision. But to a man on a mountain road by night, a glimpse of the next three feet of road may matter more than a vision of the horizon."

"I choose beauty; I choose what I love. But choosing to believe is believing. It's all I can do: choose."

This is such a lovely, rich book, and I would recommend it to anyone. :)

I think I'll go to Boston

Today I took a day trip to the lovely city of Boston. I was swept into a love for this New England city by its beautiful architecture, deep roots in American history, lush greenery and hundred year old trees... And it's delicious seafood. Exploring places I have never been is one of my favorite things in life. I love the adventure of discovering new things and seeing beauty unveiled around me. In Boston, there are so many sites with rich, important historical significance to the Revolutionary War. So many sites in the city were the locations of events that shaped our history as a nation. One particular building, the Old State Building, had an upstairs balcony that faces the now busy downtown intersection. From this balcony, Bostonians first heard the words of the Declaration of Independance read. What a moment that must have been. Did the townspeople below know the weight and gravity of the words they were hearing? Did they know that the history of Western Civilization was about to change forever? Did they know there were part of something much bigger than themselves, a part of one of the most imporant times in their mation's history? Or was it simply an ordinary day in the town of Boston, Massachusetts?
Just like these Bostonians, I am living in a time of tension, and the earth is groaning in expectation for what is to come. The enemy is still prowling, seeking to devour, and he wants to lull me into a sleep and into believing that this is just an ordinary day. He wants me to believe that what I do doesnt really have any significance in the grand scheme of things... I'm just living life as usual. But in reality, all of heaven and earth is waiting with bated breath to see what I do, how I respond to life. I'm not the center of the Story of Heaven, but because God calls me His child, I have an important part to play. You have an important part to play. Today is not ordinary. Today, history is in the making. Lines are being drawn. Souls are at stake. We are in the middle of something so much bigger than ourselves.

Imagine yourself a living house

An incredible analogy by Lewis.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Faith and greeting cards

Right now, I'm sitting in a cottage in a little town in New Hampshire. So quaint, so lovely. I am surrounded by beauty here: the wild daisies growing in the rolling meadow out back, the cool breeze, the lovely bird calls, the smell of the blooming rose bush while visiting the neighbors, and the purple mountain against the setting sun at dusk. Absolutely gorgeous. Tomorrow I'll be driving into Boston with my grandparents and a couple that lives next door. We will explore the Freedom Trail and soak in some classic American history while they go to some appointments, then meet up for some good old New England seafood on the bay. Perfection. I am so excited to explore a city I've never been to! One night earlier this week, when I was still in Waco, I went to Fort Worth for a night to have dinner and spend some quality time with my sweet friend Monica. As we talked over one of my favorite meals in the entire world (the grilled salmon from Brio in Southlake Town Square... Incredible.), we tossed around our recent thoughts and revelations about faith. We had both felt the Lord stirring something in us dealing with the idea of faith. As I've been reflecting on the conceps of faith and grace and hope, I have been realizing how insane they are. Seriously. Crazy. Doesn't make sense. Completely blows my mind. I keep coming back to the most simple, basic verse when it comes to faith: Hebrews 11:1. It's one of those verses you memorize in VBS and actually seems to stick with you through the years because it really is that simple. But is it?

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

I've heard this verse, these words for my entire life, but I still cannot get my mind around the vastness of what they mean. The idea of having "faith" is trendy right now. "Faith" is used as such a broad term in the world, and probably in the Church, too. "Faith" is a system of beliefs ("the Christian faith"), or trying to muster up enough personal willpower or courage to do something hard ("Just have faith! You can do it."), or a word to express confidence in something or someone ("I have faith that you'll do the right thing."). While I do think that we need to check our word usage, that's not what I'm getting after. I think that we've softened faith into "faith". We've taken something that because of is very nature we cannot fully understand, and forced it to share a word with a soft, trendy, NICE, comfortable, substanceless idea. We can't actually understand what faith actually is, so we cheapen it into something we can... A nice, quaint sentiment we can stick on a greeting card. We were made for more than nice sentiment. You and I were made to live in the greatest adventure that has ever been. We were made for JESUS, not greeting card "faith". When life comes, and it will, and threatens to tear my world apart, the greeting card sentiments will not mean a thing. The cheap faith and the cheap grace I've tried to convince myself were substantial will be revealed for what they truly are: hollow, empty words on an overpriced, fading piece of card stock. They will fail me, but Jesus will not. I want the faith that leads to more and more and more and more of Jesus. But if "faith" is cheap, what does that make Faith? Expensive. Costly. Faith is pricey, because it requires that we forgo our "right" to understand and to see. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Sounds great on a card (now that I've run that analogy into the ground...), but when it's applied to life, its a little more difficult to swallow. For me right now, my faith is being stretched and expanded by me choosing to believe and accept what Jesus says about me, even if I don't see those things in myself. I am generally inclined towards wanting to have control over my life and I don't like doing things without calculating the risks and rewards. But in life with Jesus, those "righs" are no longer mine. I don't need to see the end, or even the next step in this season of life, but trust that He sees it as He's guiding me. This is a journey of FAITH for me, because as I choose to trust Jesus in what I believe and the direction of my life, I am forsaking what I see with my eyes, and am choosing to believe even when I can't see. Which is so. Hard. For me, at least. Hey, maybe you've got the faith thing down. I don't. It is hard every day to choose joy over disappointment, even when what I see is disappointing. Honestly, it is hard to believe that I am pursued when I feel like I'm not. And when all I want to do is make a bunch of plans for my life, it is really hard to obey Jesus and in faith wait for His timing and direction. When it comes to "bible characters" and the idea of faith, I instantly think of Abraham and Sarah. If you don't know their story, look it up. Their story is INSANE... Once we get past the stigma of the "bible character" syndrome (forgetting that biblical people aren't just characters in a cool book, they were real people who actually lived the stories we hear. So when we read how many years they waited for their child, maybe we'll gain a little better perspective.). Long, long story short, God promised Abe and Sarah a child. At the time of the promise, Abe was really old, beyond the age of conceiving a child, and Sarah was also old and had always been barren. It sounded so ridiculous that Sarah actually laughed when God promised Abraham. Then came the waiting. And more waiting. They're only getting older, how can God's promise actually come to pass? Were they out of their minds to actually believe that God would do something so great to them? Did they actually believe God told them that? Come on, be realistic, Sarah. I can almost hear the mockery, the disbelief of their friends and family. But then.

"BY FAITH Abraham, even though he was past age-- and Sarah herself was barren-- was enabled to become a father because he considered Him faithful who had made the promise." Heb 11:11

By faith. Because HE is faithful to His word. He is who He says He is, so Abraham trusted Him. Would I be one who knows the character of God so intimately that I have no option but to trust Him and consider all other voices, all of the mocking and nagging of the world and the enemy, as what they are-- but a passing mist that will soon be dispersed by the burning Light of Jesus. Would I choose His truth over what I see with my eyes, trusting that He is who He says He is.

Old Things and New Mercies

Before I get too far ahead of myself, I feel that an explanation is necessary. So I decided to call this blog Old Things and New Mercies. Because I'm not good at coming up with cool, hipster sounding names for things, I just thought about things that are uniquely me. Hence, old things. I love old things. Ask anyone near and dear to me, and they will tell you that I love old movies, I wish I could dress in Banana Republic's Mad Men collection 24/7/365, and I just love all things classy. I grew up watching exclusively, other than Disney movies, musicals from decades I wasn't close to being alive in. I can practically recite White Christmas and Singin in the Rain. I was not your average child. I often prefer black and white photos to color and I dearly love me some Frank Sinatra or soundtracks from my beloved musicals (right now I'm loving the soundtrack from Meet Me in St. Louis). You probably get the picture by now. New Mercies. I need His mercies every morning. Even if I don't choose to seek Him out, He still faithfully sustains me every morning. I am struck today by the beauty in Jesus' well-known and often-quoted response to Pauls shortcomings in 2 Corinthians: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore," says Paul, "I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Lord, would I have the wisdom, humility, and trust to believe and receive these words from you, and would your power rest upon me, also! I need His mercy, I need His grace in my weakness.

Twenty-Two

So I just turned twenty-two. While this is not really a landmark age like the several leading up to it, I feel older being twenty-two. I feel like I should have my life figured out, like a real adult. I feel like I should be, by now, a real adult. But I'm not. In so many ways, I'm still the little girl dreaming about being a princess, or trying to keep up with my brother in his superhero games. Two distinct memories from my childhood include these very ideas. One involves my brother pulling me around our living room on a rug while 'A Whole New World' was blaring through the stereo. Another involves me dressing up in my Pink Power Ranger pajamas to tag along with my brother the Red Ranger to defeat the powers of evil at hand. I'm still that little girl who craves both loveliness and beauty, and being a part of a great adventure (go read Captivating if this resonates with you). That little girl is still very much alive in the woman I'm becoming, and I hope she never really grows up, like the world and society and sometimes even the Church encourages her to. So maybe I'm not a 'real' adult yet, and reaching the ripe age of twenty two certainly does not mean that I have arrived. The bottom line is, thinking about soon being in the 'real world' got me thinking. Im about to go to graduate school for nine months to get my masters in social work, and I absolutely love the profession and the people I get to work with. But I also have so many dreams outside of my chosen field. One is to write, hence the beginning of this blog. I want to own a bookshop. I love old and classic things, and I would love to one day own my own little quaint bookshop. Think the bookshop in Beauty and the Beast, or the little shop in You've Got Mail (both obviously classic movies). I want to be a wife and mom. I feel like this one is pretty self explanatory... So I'll move on. I want to live overseas. I want to plant a church. I want to go to all seven continents. I want to see the Northern Lights. I want to ride an elephant in India. I want to backpack through Europe. I want to go on an overnight train ride and sleep in a sleeping car (White Christmas, anyone?). I want to ride a camel in the Middle East. I want to spend time with Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane. I want to end human trafficking. I want every person on the earth to hear the Gospel. I want to encounter God in more powerful ways than Moses did, since I see with an unveiled face. I want the Kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven. I want to know what is the height and depth and width and breadth of the love of God. I want to see how far the east is from the west. I want to know Him for who He is, truly and completely. So, I have a lot of dreams. Some small, some enormously big and impossible in and of myself. God has put so many dreams in me, so why do I so often get distracted? My heart is burning even right now for these things, for these people and places, but even a few minutes ago, I had all but forgotten the dreams. I wasn't purposefully ignoring the things that God out on my heart, I simply forgot. I got caught up in the small stories of my day to day life that I lost sight of the big picture. I consistently get so focused on the brushstrokes that I miss the masterpiece painting being created before my eyes. I so often have tunnel vision. I am made for so much more than the small stories of the world. I was "created out of the laughter of the Trinity"(an early mystic quoted in 'The Sacred Romance'). I was made for joy, peace, and laughter, even in the face of a broken and desperate world. I was created to fulfill a destiny as a part of the epic story that all of creation testifies to. I was made for so much more than treading water and getting by. I was made for intimacy with Jesus and to change the world by being a vessel of the Holy Spirit, a favored daughter of the Father, and a friend of Jesus. He created me as I am for a specific, important purpose and destiny. I get to live the most redemptive, beautiful, adventurous life there ever was, because I was made to. At the end of the day, He is my dream. Even if I don't get to ride an elephant or be a mom, I trust Him. I'm learning to trust Him. Because He is just so trustworthy. EVERYTHING else-- even my sweetest dreams-- are rubbish compared to knowing Him. He is that good.