messy

It is amazing to me how many emotions one can feel in a single moment. I just spent several minutes trying to be self aware (which I really am not at all) and pinpoint my feelings right now. But I couldn't. Maybe that's because of my lack of self-awareness, or maybe its because there isn't really a central "feeling" to pinpoint. Maybe right now I'm just a jumble mess.

I think that much of my life has been spent trying to be un-messy. To be clean-cut, seamless, with an unbreakable exterior. For the first two decades or so of my life, I chalked this up to my personality. I am, by nature, an internal processor, an organization-lover, and a planner. I like order and I like to know what I'm getting myself into for that I can be overly-prepared. But guess what? Sometimes the internal processor needs to talk and the external processor listen. Sometimes the planner needs some spontaneity. Sometimes the organizer needs something in life that won't fit in her compartmentalized box of a life. Sometimes, I need to be thrown into a situation and have to actually rely on the Holy Spirit rather than my prideful flesh.

Life is messy. When the Spirit of God collides with human flesh, things get messy. I, in my perfectly crafted external good Christian girl shell, can neither receive what God is giving nor give what God requires. Until I, like Mary of Bethany, break the flawless flask that holds my life at the feet of Jesus, I can't fully know His love for me. As long as I'm operating in a spirit of pride, thinking somehow that if I keep myself appearing good enough or spiritual enough, I'm not allowing Jesus to give me the fullness of His love. Because He came to the world for the sick, not the healthy. As long as I masquerade as a healthy one, I'm rejecting the healing of the Doctor. I am broken and desperately in need of the Physician's healing.

And my whole life is the only thing that Jesus wants. He loves me and treasures me no matter what my response to Him is, but being fully His costs me my life. I simply cannot have my safe, put together self while following the King of Kings. Following Jesus requires my life.

Sacrifices, by Paul David Tripp (Psalm 51:17) 

Perhaps
if I give you some of my time.
Perhaps
if I give you some of my strength.
Perhaps
if I give you some of my things.
Perhaps
if I give you some of my thoughts.
Perhaps
if I give you
some of my relationships.
Surely
these sacrifices
will bring you delight.
Surely
these offerings
will bring you joy.
I'm quite willing
to give a tithe.
I'm quite willing
to interrupt
my schedule.
I'm quite willing
to volunteer
to serve.
But I get the sense
that you're not satisfied
with a piece of me.
I get the sense
that momentary giving
momentary service
momentary sacrifice
momentary ministry
the momentary turning
of my heart to you
will not satisfy you.
But I must admit
that I'm afraid
of what you require.
I'm afraid of a
broken spirit.
I'm afraid of a
contrite heart.
I'm afraid to be 
crushed by your grace.
So I try to
distract you
with my service
distract you
with my time
distract you
with my money.
Deep inside
I know what you want.
Deep inside
I'm sure of what you require.
I'm afraid
because I want to hold onto
my heart.
I want
to give it to other things.
I want to 
pursue pleasures
outside of you.
I'm afraid
to give you
what would satisfy you.
I'm afraid of a 
broken heart.
So I regularly offend you
with empty offerings
and vacuous praise.
Hoping 
to my own destruction
that you'll be satisfied.

can makeup change the world?

One of my favorite things in the world is to see people advancing the Kingdom on their spheres on influence, doing what they love for an eternal purpose. One sphere of society in America that I haven't given a whole lot of thought to how the Kingdom can be advanced in, though, is the beauty industry. Which, really, seems pretty obvious in retrospect.

The beauty industry makes millions of dollars around the idea of women looking or feeling beautiful. This whole industry and sector of society essentially revolves around a key identity issue. In a nation and a world filled with women with question marks on their hearts, here is the beauty industry. Here rage the battles of comparison, competition, criticism, self-hatred, and pride in and between women. We can look at this industry and scoff at the "frivolity" of it, or we could look a little closer and see a frontline of the battle for the heart. Clearly, the enemy has given some attention to this issue of beauty, but why? Could it be the this sphere concentrated on the beauty of women could be an important on to the heart of God? Could it be that through the issue of physical beauty, God wants to replace question marks with assurance, comparison with security, and self-hatred with His overwhelming love? I don't know what this looks like, but I think that God is doing something redemptive and beautiful here. This is too big of a spiritual battleground for there not to be something big planned. People like my friend Andrea (read her beauty blog here) who carry the love of Jesus with them in this industry will impact eternity by their influence and love.

The story that spurred this thought process on is that of a Baylor grad named Nicole. I was reading Reject/Apathy, an offshoot of Relevant magazine, and came across an article about her (read it here). She essentially gave up the fashion/beauty dream job (working at a fashion house on 5th Avenue, NYC) to combat sex trafficking. How does she fight sex trafficking, you may ask? She created her own line of makeup (Radiant, get it here) that supports Free the Captives, a Houston-based anti-human trafficking organization. So the makeup she creates is a vital part of slaves in the trafficking capitol of the US (and my hometown, Houston) being set free and restored. What a way to advance the Kingdom in you sphere. Incredible. I know where I'm getting my makeup.

the underbelly of the Olympics.

Yesterday, I adapted Jamie Oliver's One-Minute Berry Ice Cream recipe and made a delicious, equally easy and healthy frozen yogurt, perfect for a hot summer day. The only ingredients necessary are a bag of frozen berries (I used HEB's "berry medley"), a small tub of greek yogurt (500g, I used Fage Total), and a little honey. To add a little depth to my fro-yo, I got some Hershey's Special Dark chocolate chips and added about a cup of them them to the mix. Throw it all in a blender, freeze it til it is at a consistency you like (right after blending, mine was at the consistency of a smoothie, so I froze it for a while until it was more of an ice cream consistency), and enjoy! I garnished mine with a few dark chocolate chips and a honey drizzle. Enjoy and stay cool!

In other news, how 'bout those Olympics? I absolutely love the Games and am an avid Team USA fan, especially in women's gymnastics and swimming. I'm essentially obsessed with the Fab 5, specifically Gabby Douglas. So much love.

There is, unfortunately, a dark underbelly to the Olympic Games. With any large, international sports event, such as the Olympics, the World Cup, or the Eurocup, comes a rise in human trafficking, specifically sex trafficking, in the host city. Because of the legalization of some kinds of prostitution in the UK, the issue of minimizing sex trafficking seems to be more complicated and meeting more resistance than one would think. Regardless of the legality or politics of the situation, the reality is that right now, because of the influx of people in London for the Games, a large amount of helpless people are being used, abused, raped, injured, and traded like cattle. While we enjoy the entertainment of watching our nation and the world compete in the Games, would we not forget to intercede on behalf of those who are living in slavery. Senator Mobina Jaffer of British Columbia, Canada, who worked on combating the sex trade during the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver, said this of the London games:

"Over the next few weeks, as we all come together and celebrate the Olympic Games let us not forget about those young girls who have little to celebrate. Let us ensure that our cheers do not silence their cries. Let us save a place in our hearts for those women and girls who are being exploited and robbed of their dignity."

Would we not only feel sympathy for these people, though. May we be moved by compassion to intercede on their behalf, to battle the powers of darkness and bring light to London, even from across the globe. We can walk in faith that our prayers are powerful and effective and can change things!

"But this is a people robbed and plundered; they are all of them snared in holes and hidden in houses of bondage. They have become a prey, with no one to deliver them, a spoil, with no one to say, RESTORE THEM." Isaiah 42:22

Would we be the ones who say, in faith, "restore them"!

The courageous choose hope.

“Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that's when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that's celebration.”

Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

Today, I saw this quote in the bathroom at my local Zumba studio. So random, I know. But this excerpt from this book I've never heard of stirs a deep place in me.
Because anyone can be a cynic. Anyone can look at their life and find tragedy and heartbreak, because we all have it. It's easy to make a list of all the ways I've been hurt and the ways that life hasn't always turned out exactly how I pictured. Its easy for us to go there, because it akes absolutely no faith. Being cynical about life, or even what the world defines at "realism", takes absolutely no faith in the goodness and faithfulness of God. Because when we're cynical, we're placing our trust completely in how we perceive the state of our circumstances. In cynicism, there is no space for the goodness of God to blossom hope in our hearts.
But, oh, how painful it can be to hope again. The Bible itself tells us that "hope deferred makes the heart sick". When we have allowed ourselves to hope, only to be disappointed, it is difficult to have the courage to believe again. I am learning that faith, hope, and love are all hard. They are difficult, and they take courage and boldness to pursue. To choose to see, by faith, beauty where ashes still lay is bold. It takes faith in the unchanging character of God and the faithfulness of His word (Isaiah 61).

Anyone can be a cynic, but only the bold, courageous, and tenacious children of God can see harrowing circumstances and STILL believe that He is good, He is stronger, and He is working all things together for our good. So be strong and courageous-- allow Him to ignite a spark of hope within your heart.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:3, NIV

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living." Psalm 27:3,NASB

my 20's bucket list.

Thanks, insomnia, for keeping me up to write a post at 2:30am.

In no particular order, here is my bucket list for my 20's. I have somewhere around 7 years, 10 months, and three days to complete it. I've got this.

1. Train my way through Europe. Extremely stereotypical, but seriously? Trains are the coolest. Ever since I first saw White Christmas I've pretty much been obsessed. And what 20-something doesn't want to go to Europe? This one does for sure.

2. Do something crazy. Now, while I'm not your typical crazy type, it is highly doubtful/ impossible that I will only do one crazy thing in the next seven-ish years. But I'm talking BIG crazy... like taking a risk on a random job opportunity, or moving somewhere crazy. Following Jesus in a radical, adventurous way that gets me completely out of my comfort zone. Healthy risking with Jesus.

3. Move out of Texas. Preferably in the next year or two. Pretty self explanatory... I've been here for a while, it'll always be home, but I'm ready for a new frontier.

4. Go back to India. I feel like I left a piece of my heart there. I want to go back so badly.

5. Become a better long-distance friend. I'll be taking notes from the best at keeping up with people, the one and only Emily Jean, for the next 6 months-to-a-year in preparation for the many goodbyes to come (and those already in the process).

6. Give hilariously. (term borrowed from Al.) After this last year (PRAISE THE LORD) of grad school, I'm sure I'll have several slim years as a social worker entering the workforce. During this time, I don't want to get a poverty mentality, but I want to give hilariously out of my need to the Church and to the hurting of the world. From my time and from my wallet, I want to give freely of what I have, because I am and will be operating out of the ABUNDANCE of my Father!

7. Live life fully in the season I'm in. I don't want to look back on any time during my 20s when I was wishing for something in my life to be different. I want to live fully the life God has me in for each passing season. There in fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11), and His presence is with my always, so I can experience FULL JOY in every season and circumstance. Would this mark my 20s!

8. Learn how to do my hair in finger waves. Hey, I love the 1940's, what can I say?

9. Dance as much as I can, in whatever context in available. Zumba, in my living room, in classes, whatevs. 

10. Make time to read. One of my favorite things in the whole world.

Well, this is all I have for now. I'm finally getting tired, thankfully. 

Any thoughts or bucket lists of your own?

Name

My name is Amanda. While you probably know that, you most likely do not know that my name means "worthy of love". I've known what my name means for as long as I can remember. In my grandma's house, she has a picture collage frame for each of her grandchildren, and stuck inside the frame of each was, for most of my childhood, a little wallet-sized card with the meaning of each grandchild's name. Mine was pink with roses on it, and it told me that my name meant "worthy of love". 


Worthy of love. 


The thing about my name is that I've had it for as long as I've been alive. I've actually pretty much had it since before I was even conceived, because my older brother was going to be named Amanda if he was a girl. Once he turned out to be a boy, my parents knew that their first daughter (me, the one and only) would be named Amanda. As a side note, had I been a boy (my parents didn't know our genders until we were born), I would have been Stephen ("crown").


I've had to identity "worthy of love" on my life since before I was even created. Is this significant? Or is my name just one that my parents picked and it happened to have a meaning that resonates with me? The thing is, the issue of my deserving or meriting love is not some sweet sentiment to me. This issue has been at the very core of the struggle of my heart for as long as I can remember. Though I grew up seeing those words on a little card by my kindergarten school picture, there was always a "but, am I really?" that followed. 


Jesus knew. He knew that this tender place in my heart would be a battlefield of the enemy. Telling me that I am deserving of love and worth loving was of such high priority to Him that He made even my name a testament to His Truth and the identity that He wanted to place on me. While I know that this is not always the case with people's names, I truly believe that Jesus chose to speak to me and plant Truth and hope in my heart in this way. In the times of the Bible, a name meant so much more than it does now. God would place huge destinies and life-altering identity onto His people by changing their names. Take Abraham, Sarah, Israel, Peter, and Paul, for instance. 


What is even more, God saw me and called me out as one who is worthy of love before I was knit together in my mother's womb. Before I knew Him or loved Him, He called me His child and stamped unwarranted and undeserved identity on me. Because the truth is, without Jesus' sacrifice washing my stains away, I'm undeserving and unworthy. Its only because He says that I'm worthy, that I'm enough, that makes it true. I haven't earned it.


Isaiah 43:1 is a promise that the Lord consistently speaks over my life: 

But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I HAVE SUMMONED YOU BY NAME; you are mine.

Later in the chapter, the Lord promises the people of Jacob/Israel (we see a name change highlighted in this very chapter!) that whatever storms and fires of life they go through, I AM is with them. He calls them BY NAME. Being summoned or known by name is the difference between having a relationship with someone and just being one face in a crowd of millions. Today, Jesus is calling you out of the crowd. He is calling you BY NAME. He chooses YOU. Out of everyone in the crowd you feel like you've disappeared into, He wants you, He delights in you.






Psalm 139:1-18

1O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
         You understand my thought from afar.

3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
         And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
         Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

5You have enclosed me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
         It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.

9If I take the wings of the dawn,
         If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

10Even there Your hand will lead me,
         And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
         And the light around me will be night,”

12Even the darkness is not dark to You,
         And the night is as bright as the day.
         Darkness and light are alike to You.

13For You formed my inward parts;
         You wove me in my mother’s womb.

14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
         Wonderful are Your works,
         And my soul knows it very well.

15My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
         And in Your book were all written
         The days that were ordained for me,
         When as yet there was not one of them.

17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How vast is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
         When I awake, I am still with You.

A ship in port is safe.

Right now, I am just so excited about life. This time next year, I could be living literally anywhere in the world. The world is at my fingertips. There's no telling what God has planned for the next few years of my life! In the very places where the enemy brings insecurity and anxiety-- uncertainty about what I'm going to do vocationally, the reality that I am single, and my specific gifts, talents, and dreams-- God is wanting to do the opposite. These places in which the enemy is trying to kill, steal, and destroy my joy and my life are the very places where God is going to move most powerfully. These places are the ones I can be the most excited about. When I really know the heart of my Father, when I know His goodness and faithfulness, my anxiety and insecurity are transformed into excitement and expectancy! Instead of giving into the lies of insecurity, loneliness, or fear, I can be expectant and "confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13). When I fully trust that my life is secure in the Father's hands and that He, with all of His extraordinary power, is working to my highest good, I can risk with Him. I can adventure with Him. I can love relentlessly. I can live fully. All without fear, because His perfect love casts out ALL fear.

When I was little, I had terrible nightmares. One night, I woke up in tears in the middle of the night. I was sick of being terrified every night! A few months before, I had asked Jesus to "come in my heart", and I loved Him as much as my little seven year old heart possibly could, I think. In a moment of pure, innocent faith, I asked Jesus to never let me have a bad dream ever again. And I haven't, to this day. I've had some kind of weird dreams, but never again the terrifying nightmares of my childhood.

I trusted my Father. That night, I went right back to sleep, trusting that my new friend Jesus would protect me. As a small child without all of the grown up "knowledge" that plagues adults, I knew the heart of my Father, so I risked going to sleep again. Had I not trusted that He would hear my cries and intervene, what would I have done? Never slept again? That seems preposterous. But don't we, as adults, do the very same thing? We ask God to intervene, then live so safely that we never risk enough to allow Him to show Himself faithful. We are like ships-- safe while at port, but made for so much more than idly standing on the sidelines of life, collecting dust and allow life to pass us by.